My walk with the Lord

1. The beginning

I have had this plan of writing my story since long. Now that God has taken me to Zambia where I have got time in plenty, I begin to write this story of my life. As I live each day, my past looks unbelievable. I have heard from many people how God chose them and led them to Himself, and many of these stories look so very familiar that I begin to wonder if there is some kind of pattern in God’s plans. My story, however, still has some uniqueness, as much as I am unique in His creation, which then merits this writing so it may inspire those whom God wishes to add to His Kingdom.

2. The first brushes

I am the eldest in my family and my parents are simple people living in a small town that is no different from the millions we have in India. Rural upbringing of my parents gave them a determination to pursue children’s education wholeheartedly. My father began his career in a bank as cashier which was then considered quite well. He earned enough to take good care of his family of five, my mother and three of us. My mother is a home-maker and has had a fierce sense of family protection. She loves us and our father very much and has always been there to do everything she could for us. My father is a humble man and loves his family much. Although he has been much less expressive, but he has those emotions for sure, which he tries to hide, with varying degrees of success.

In my childhood, I went to a school close by for my primary education. The school was good and I still remember some of them who laid my foundations. Studying was considered a tough task and was made tougher by the number of hours one was expected to spend with books for being called a good student. Even though I kept topping the charts in my class, I was not given as much of studious tag as one of my neighbour’s son. He was elder to me and studied in a higher standard, but the comparisons were inevitable. The fellow also topped in his class but was considered better than me as he spent endless hours studying. My mother told me once that he even slept with his books under his pillow. I wasn’t that good. Although I did well in studies, I was mischievous nonetheless. I remember once not going to school at all and roaming around the town all alone for the whole day. During the summer vacations, I was always out of home even when the main gates were locked. I used to play with friends and come back home before mom used to get up from her afternoon nap. And I must have emptied endless containers of milk powder and sugar without ever taking the blame. I never looked mischievous which I indeed was.

It was when I was in the third standard that my school informed us of a movie screening in the open air one Sunday evening. We were all glad. Movies were always a craze those days. We had only two theatres in the town, and we used to get movies only after a decade of their release. That may be a little exaggerated but the point is made. My mom used to be a movie buff herself before her marriage, and the liking continued after we were born but the household chores kept her busy for the movies. But we still watched a good number of movies in those days. So, the Sunday came and I along with my small carpet landed at the school ground for the movie. It was sunset when the truck with a trolley parked in. the screen was on the trolley and the projection instruments were soon arranged on the ground. It was a movie called ‘Isa Massih’. I sat through the movie even though I couldn’t quite clearly understand what was going on. But the end of the movie with ‘Isa’ being crucified left me sad.

My mom knew that for her children to have good life, they must be given good education, which was not available where we lived. She loved us a lot, yet she chose to send us to boarding schools. Initially, it used to be heart-wrenching for me to depart from home and live in hostel. But soon I began to like the school. I developed good friendships, began to enjoy the food, started liking the routine and tasted the fun of boarding school. But for my mother there was no respite. Pain of departures kept the same or greater intensity with every passing year. We used to long to live together, but there was no way we could.

In my school, there was fierce competition. Everyone was from good families and had burden of expectation. We were all good in studies and all had passed a nation-wide competitive examination as part of the selection process. Soon, I was ahead of the pack. I gained the first rank in my class from the eighth standard and kept it till the end except for the secondary examination of the tenth standard. But that wasn’t good enough. I wanted to excel in sports, in arts and all other fields as well. However, I was bad in sports. No matter how much I tried, I would be less than ordinary in football, cricket, basketball, hockey and any other games. I was forced also into boxing and shot put throw, which were relatively not-so-popular sports, but even in these I would finish last. That was very frustrating.

In my school, we had tournaments for all these sports both at junior and senior levels. The winning houses; there were twelve houses and I belonged to Gautam house; always got the trophies and the individuals in the team got certificates. These certificates were causes for my envy. For topping my class, I could get one certificate, and for my drawings and paintings, I could get another one in a year while some of my well accomplished friends in sports could accumulate several of these good looking certificates with our school logo embossed on them. But there wasn’t any way.

But the longing to own certificates was not mine alone. There were several others who were desperate to go back home and show to their parents the proofs of their accomplishments. One such friend of mine discovered a new way. I wasn’t quite sure how we got to know of this but soon almost the whole of my batch was doing this course to accumulate certificates.

There was one missionary that published booklets on life and meaning of Jesus Christ. In their advertisement, they mentioned that in this series there were eight booklets, each with focus on some facet of life of Christ. Each had a questionnaire at the end of the booklet, which one could answer and send to the missionary. Upon satisfactory response to the questionnaire, the missionary would send a certificate of completion of the course and send the material for the next step. In the questionnaire, there were spaces for one to refer other friends for the course. I got to know about this well in time, and cajoled one of my batch-mates to refer my name to the missionary.

Soon I began to get those booklets, each of close to fifty odd pages, glossy cover and interesting drawings inside. I loved the story. I had known about Jesus from my social science textbook as the leader of Christian religion. I don’t remember now of having read anything more about Him than Him starting a new religion, of those who believed in one God and Him being God’s Son. He preached love and sacrifice through his life and was crucified by the Jews and Romans who ruled in those days His part of the world as they feared that He was conspiring against the rulers. I could have written this much about Him if I were to answer a question on Him in my examination.

These booklets added incrementally to my knowledge. But I was more focused on getting the questionnaire done and, if any thing else, in the drawings in the booklets which showed flocks of sheep grazing with Jesus as shepherd, Jesus in His work as carpenter, Roman soldiers with their armors, desert with caravan of camels and such others which could inspire my drawings. But nonetheless I read the booklets. I was in ninth standard then and hence, could comprehend a bit of what was stated in those booklets. I revered Jesus for His amazing love.

3. Touch of His hand

Before I could complete the entire course, my winter vacation arrived and I headed home. After my arrival in the school at the end of vacation, posts were lost. I enquired about my booklets and certificates but I could find none waiting for me. With one or two attempts to revive the channel all over again, I wrote letters to the missionary but did not receive anything. I had got three booklets done and had received as many certificates by then. I was proud of those and my father got the first one of those framed in nice glass and wood and displayed in our drawing room with pride.

I passed my school at the top of my class. Through another level of competition I got into undergraduate course in mining engineering in the Indian School of Mines at Dhanbad. Life was so much fun there. We were all so full of energy and had so much freedom to explore the world. I was inclined to academics but nonetheless I had my share of fun. I would hang around the canteen for hours with friends; watch late night movies; go to the railway station at midnight for a cup of tea; bunk classes and ask people to make my proxy attendance; engage in all-night debates on philosophies of life; visit Calcutta on weekends; loiter around Bank More and Hirapur markets for samosas and littis; gang up at Mani’s café for dosa and chai; flock to Madhulika for ice cream for the parties thrown by seniors who got job offers; wake up early morning to watch cricket matches played in New Zealand and Australia and throw shoes and sandals on the television set whenever anything went against Indian team; be the host on student FM channels during the nights and talk all non-sense endlessly; and many more such things. Somehow, however, I never drank any alcoholic drinks, not even for the taste. It was such a common thing in engineering. During hostel parties, whisky and rum used to flow and people almost bathed in them. I remember many of my friends and seniors trying to persuade and induce me to drinks. It was hard at times to resist and I came close to a sip on one or two occasions, but my father’s words of not indulging in anything that would bring disgrace to him always brought me back from the brink. On one such funny occasion, I helped one of my drunken friends to the restroom where he stood taking support of the wall and in his inebriated state delivered a long sermon on the good that drinking did to life.

Once in the final year of study, matters began to change. All of us realized that there was a harsh world waiting outside the campus but we could not linger on with fun without worrying about what was the next step. I always had wanted to join the civil services, so I began studying for the same. I had an assurance that I would have to be content with silver medal in engineering since the fellow ahead of me was beyond reach and the one immediately after me had a lot to catch up to reach my grades. So, I could focus on the preparation for civil services. I had a job offer as well, which made life much easier.

In June 2000 I headed home after the engineering course was over. It was a lonely battle then on that I had to fight to reach where I wanted to. There was no one to accompany and walk beside. My parents were happy to receive me at home. My mother did everything that she thought would please me. But I was being bogged down by the weight of anxiety. There was nothing much to do at home, except to play cricket in my garden with my younger brother and watch television. My mom and I would talk about my job and she would suggest how I must develop a knack for saving money. She knew that I wasn’t reckless with money and that gave her a lot of comfort. She wanted me to prepare well for the civil services examination and someday be a district magistrate. I was keen too but the amount of labor it involved seemed too big for me. I had chosen subjects of mechanical engineering and public administration, which were apart from every other subject like history, geography, science and others that I was expected to master before I could pass the examination.

Soon I landed in Hyderabad to join the National Mineral Development Corporation. The company had a lot of my seniors from engineering college, from the junior managers to the chairman and managing director. Hence, there was a certain shield by virtue of my student life lineage. I prepared for the examination. I took the preliminary examination and passed. Then I studied harder for the main examination.

It was then that anxiety got better of me. I began to think of alternates – what if I failed to make it to the civil services? Would I spend my entire life doing mineral production at mines that were on back of beyond? Most of my friends were in software companies and were earning more than this government owned company paid me. Many of them were expecting foreign postings in a short while where they could earn in dollars. They would always stay in big cities. If I passed the civil services examination, I could get perks that would be comparable, but what if I didn’t.

With these thoughts dragging me down, I decided to write at least one entrance test for a business school. ICFAI Business School (IBS) had published the advertisement in the newspaper that week and I decided to go for it even though I had never heard of this business school. It was in Hyderabad and I thought that such business school may not require too much of hard work, so I could continue my preparations for civil services examination even if I joined their management course. It was also unbelievable that the civil services examination required a full two-year plan. But I had to live with the system.

I had no one even to talk to during those days, except those who cooked food for me and did the cleaning of my room. On the day of entrance test for IBS, after the examination was over I felt terribly low. I needed someplace, peaceful and calm, to relax. Near the Secunderabad railway station, there was a church which attracted me. I was close to six in the evening and the sky was beginning to darken. I sat on the concrete bench outside the church as the church building was locked. I hung my head low and took a deep breath, which felt relaxing.

I closed my eyes. Both my hands held my forehead as my elbows rested on my knees. I could sense quite and calm that I had never experienced before. I uttered a brief prayer to the Almighty. I knew not who He was but I told Him that I had complete trust in Him having a plan for my life. I prayed that He should enable me to work but lead me out of the fear of failure and keep me on a path that He chose for me. I could sense cool breeze caressing my face when I heard Him say that He would be with me always. I did not see Him but my heart was so light. I felt the calm of the universe.

All my life, I had been going to the temples, worshipped gods and goddesses and had even experienced peace from those, but nothing was compared to this encounter that I had that day.

4. Meeting my life

Much before the civil services main examinations the results of the IBS entrance test was declared and I got into post graduate course in finance. I had to balance my time between the two different kinds of studies as the finance course was all together a new for me. But I knew that the first priority was to be given to civil services. With tough balancing act I took the civil services examinations and did well. I then had time to relax and focus on the management course as I thought that it could help me in my interview. In my first term of this course I was one of the top students, possibly since I was an engineering graduate and did have ease with subjects like business economics and management accounting. My class mates were in awe of me then on.

It was the second week of December, 11th to be precise, when I along with my friend from this finance course was going towards the IBS canteen for our lunch. I was not particularly happy that day about what was going on with the course. We were both venting our anger about how the classes need to be conducted in a professional course like this one. Hari was also a very bright student like me and had graduated in polymer technology from a better known college in Chennai. We both agreed that we could have gotten into some better business school but for our destiny. I knew that this course was my temporary refuge from uncertainty.

As we stepped towards the IBS canteen, close to a municipal corporation’s garbage bin, three girls coming from the opposite side stopped us to ask if we were students of IBS. We said that we were. They told us that they wished to write the IBS entrance test for the next batch and they were given to understand that if an IBS student or alumnus bought the prospectus, it could be at 50 percent discount. That was the reason why they were hunting for some IBS students. Since I was not in a very happy state of mind, I decided to get them the prospectus soon and get away. Hari meanwhile kept them engaged in funny conversation. So, I led them into one office where we were directed to another office. I led them all there, the three girls and Hari, and found that the prospectuses were indeed offered at 50 percent discount for me. So I bought three. As a requirement, they had to write their details in a form and get their individual receipts of payment. This was when I knew that this sweet little bundle of energy was called Supriya.

We did not talk much that day, even while we had soft drinks in the IBS canteen which the girls offered in view of the huge savings made in prospectuses. Supriya sat along with me and we exchanged a few words. She was a computer science engineer and was planning to pursue her post graduation in management. I left for my home while Hari chatted with them for some more time. From that day’s meeting, all I could remember was that Supriya had a charming smile and was full of enthusiasm for everything in life. I couldn’t remember anything more than that.

After a couple of weeks I received an email from Supriya, which surprised me since I hadn’t shared my email address with her. It must have been Hari who would have given her my address. But I was happy to receive her email. She thanked me for the help in getting the application forms. That was the first email of series that was followed by yahoo messenger chats and a lot of counseling for her examination and interview, and finally a meeting at Café Coffee Day. Both of us have lost some of those emails due to her yahoo account bust, and the chat we had those days could not be preserved. But I madly fell in love with her. I couldn’t tell why but that was how I was.

When we met at Coffee Day I knew that this was the girl I wanted to marry. We ordered some honey-lemon tea and talked. We were comfortable in each other’s presence even though we did not talk too much. As we sat there, she looking at the cup and sometimes raising her eyes to look at me, and I constantly staring her, I felt compelled to touch her and make sure that I wasn’t dreaming. With a lot of courage, I with my index finger of my right hand touched her fingers that were curled round her cup. She then placed her hand on the table and I kept my finger firmly placed on her nail. When she asked why I was touching her nail, I had to tell her that I really admired the nail enamel.

After the coffee we went around the Nagarjuna Hills, which was behind the coffee shop and which was where we had met the other day. Supriya kept telling me about her family, her likings and her plans for the management course while we walked along those hill roads. At one corner, I again felt a strong desire to hold her but I couldn’t imagine I could do that in the very first meeting. So, I held her dupatta and tied one its corners with my jeans, and kept walking. I told myself that this was the girl for my life. When we began talking about our lives together, Supriya suggested that I shouldn’t jump into conclusions so soon. She said she would write an email and tell me what she wanted to share with me. That I readily agreed to.

In a couple of days, I received the much awaited email. She said that she was a Christian and would want to marry a believer. I was crestfallen. I had been of little faith in my religion but I had been to temples all my life. My parents were devout Hindus and they had known and received the blessings of Hindu gods and goddesses. We had been celebrating all religious festivals with immense zeal. I could not imagine how I could reconcile that with the idea of marrying Supriya. That took a big toll on our relationship.

One evening we decided to meet at lotus pond to call it quits. My sister’s marriage was around the corner and I was planning to go home that weekend. I picked up Supriya and we drove on my scooter to the pond. The pond was closed by the time we reached there but there were enough places for two of us to sit and discuss. We hadn’t been quite sure of what we were doing but we knew that the meeting was the last we would have. I told Supriya that I had considered all the matters and we could not live together with huge differences in who we were. So we had no other option. Supriya began to sob. I was sad and confused. A girl that I had met just twice before was hugging me, I had known that this was the girl I wanted to marry, she was crying in my arms and we were both meeting to dump our relationship that had hardly blossomed. We parted ways with heavy hearts. Supriya gave me two gifts that day, a shirt and the Bible. I kept the Bible always with me.

It was difficult for me to bear. I immersed in my studies. The civil services examinations were over and I was called for interview. The interview coincided with the end of my summer internship and beginning of the second year of the management programme. I did prepare well but preparing on my own a subject like mechanical engineering did not give me that confidence. In the interview panel there was a professor of mechanical engineering from IIT Delhi who grilled me on and on until I fumbled. The result of the interviews were not to my expectation, and in the over all rank tally I missed the services. Well, that I was not targeting lesser known services meant that I missed the target of administrative services by big margin. That made me realize quickly that the course I was pursuing as a refuge was going to be my shelter for life. So, I gave up on civil services. It looked absurd for me to wait for another cycle of two years to make another attempt. So, I quickly came to terms with the new realities. I hadn't done too badly in the management programme. In fact, I was one of the top on heap. That saved the day for me.

Those six months were full of studies and movies with Hari. Hari and I on my scooter measured all the corners of Hyderabad and watched all movies, including Devdas which we watched not less than ten times. I even watched Telugu movies. But soon, this was all to end. I had been selected for a job with a major consulting firm, which was to begin with a part time job but I converted that in to a full time job and made my course a part time one with the consent of my professors. And soon I got another full time job offer.

It was then that Supriya rang me up to congratulate. She was in the first year of her studies in IBS. The campuses for the first year and the seniors were different, so we never met at the business school, but from the notice board, she had found out about my placement. I heard the same melody in my ears but I was too aware of the limitations. So we did not talk much. But the channel of communication was open again. We began to talk, which was a big relief for me.

I was part of the placement coordination committee and the committee was scheduled to go to Delhi to invite companies to hire from IBS. Hari was also a part of team. We used to roam around in the daytime and in the evenings we had all the free time. Internet was the best option to while away. Supriya and I began to chat again. One day I told her that I had not been able to live well without thinking of her. And that even though we had decided to keep off, I still loved her. It was close to eleven o’clock that I was returning to my hotel when I decided to call her. She picked up the phone in one ring as if she were waiting. I told her that I could not do without her even though I didn’t even know if she loved me indeed. It was then that I realized that she had not told me ever before that she loved me! So I began to insist that she uttered those three words for me. I took almost an hour when she whispered, “I love you”. Supriya knew this was sure to cast a spell on me. I danced in the darkness of my hotel room that night.

5. Marriage on the card

Supriya and I agreed that we would continue with our faiths and let our love grow strong. She joined an airline soon after her first year and dropped the management programme, while I worked in this consulting firm. It was hard to catch up with each other. She kept flying one destination and another while I chased her on ground to meet her. We met in Mumbai, Hyderabad, Chennai and Calicut for brief periods whenever she was on the ground. But the mobile revolution that began in India those days proved to be a boon for us. We were hooked on to our phones most times we could afford to.

I told my parents that I would marry a Christian girl whom I loved. They were shell-shocked. Supriya and I had planned to take this step of first getting my parents’ consent before approaching her mother. My parents refused to give consent. I was surprised but this was not all that unexpected. They loved me more than anything else in the world and done everything that was good for me. They made enormous sacrifices for my every small desire. But the society they lived in was still in the medieval era and had not heard of many such cross-religion marriages, and much less the successful ones of this type. So, they were apprehensive that I was making a huge mistake and would pay by my life for that. My mother was truly into bits. She had never imagined that I could do such a thing. For that matter, even I had not ever imagined this for myself. But somehow I was fully convinced that Supriya was made for me and I for her. I knew that she would fill me with all the happiness that I aspired for. She could support me through all my days. My parents could not come to terms with this even after a year and a half passed by.

I had lost all hope of being able to convince my father and mother. Supriya kept insisting that without their blessings, our marriage was not going to fructify. Then we met in Chennai where she was stopping over after her flight. We discussed for a long time and we agreed that it was time we should get married. I was looking forward to my life with her. I had begun to imagine waking up to her beauty in the morning and falling asleep in her arms with her fragrance evaporating the effects of my day’s toil. So we thought that she needed to come back to her studies and let go off the career in flying, while I found a better job to sustain our family. And we also decided that she would have to take the next step of informing her mother of our relationship.

I got a job offer in Kuwait and she was offered admission in the second year of the management programme of IBS. So she could begin from where she left, while I worked in Kuwait to facilitate her focus on studies. But then we both thought that we could get married before we changed tracks in our lives. Supriya’s mom had agreed to our marriage. Mammu knew me as we had met a few times before, but the decision must have been difficult for her. But she loved Supriya so much that she let her apprehensions melt for the sake of her daughter’s happiness.

My daddy had come to see me in Hyderabad when I told him that I was taking up the job in Kuwait and was planning to get married. Although the date was not finalized yet, it looked imminent. Daddy said that both he and my mom would not come to marriage if I went ahead with my plans. I wrote to my sister and brother as well but I had no expectation that they could come for marriage.

Another issue was that Supriya wanted to get married in a church. She had been in Calicut only briefly and I had not been attending any church in Hyderabad, which made this proposition difficult. The churches too had been in the web of political cross fires for solemnizing marriages of cross religion couples, so none could do that for us unless the pastor knew both of us well. Mammu talked to the pastor of the church in Calicut who suggested that if I became a member of his church, he could arrange for our marriage there. For membership, I needed to be baptized. I did not know what that meant but it sounded like an official conversion. The pastor said that he was empowered by law to solemnize only Christian marriages. I thought that I had anyways taken long strides to reach where I was. My marriage was not acceptable to my family and they would not be present in the wedding. I had no one to seek approval from and no one to please accept Supriya who, knowing fully well my conditions, still chose to walk the aisle with me.

So I signed the legal papers and took baptism. It did not mean much then to me since I had never read the Bible and had not known the essence of being born again. But that made my wedding plan roll. We got married on 2nd June 2005, close to four years after we first met. Shortly after our wedding, the world changed for me. Quite literally too as I joined my job in Kuwait and Supriya stayed back in India for her MBA. Those nine months from our marriage to when she landed in Kuwait to be with me were tough in every sense. But we did manage.

6. The struggle within

I stayed in a shared apartment in Kuwait for those nine months. Once during the initial days in Kuwait while it was peak of summers, I had to catch a bus to my work place in the morning. When I stepped out of my house I saw a bus arriving at the bus stop. I ran to catch the bus since between the consecutive arrivals, the time could never be predicted, and so I was desperate to get this one. But due to extreme heat and humidity, as also I was wearing a suit, I perspired a lot and felt dizzy. I was about to black out when the bus began to move. I got in but was at the edge of fainting. With drops of sweat rolling down my forehead and my vision going from shades of grey to black, I suddenly found myself calling the name of Jesus. I prayed to him for strengthening me and keeping me out of this black out. It worked instantaneously. Within seconds I was back to normal. I didn’t know why I prayed to Him since in my scheme of things He was yet another God in the scores that I had known from my childhood.

Supriya arrived in Kuwait in March. She was instantaneously popular with all my colleagues. We began to live like a married couple. It was a small one bedroom flat with scanty facilities but we still were happy with the abode. I would leave for my office in the morning and come back home to a longing wife in the evening. But the days were tough for Supriya when she was all alone. We were not quite sure if we could live in Kuwait much longer, hence, we did not wish to invest in any home appliances including television set, which in turn made living in Kuwait indeed very tough for Supriya. She would eagerly wait for me in the evenings and any delays were painful for her while my boss never liked the idea of staff leaving early. She did paintings and drawings for a while but these were not good enough to occupy the whole day and for weeks.

On Wednesdays she came to office cheerfully since that was the day we went to church. Churches in Kuwait were restricted from expanding. There was just one complex where there were several services held during the week days and weekends. That was when I began attending services regularly. But these services to me looked very different from my idea of religion. People sang and danced in joy while I thought it prudent to be calm and quite. My religion had taught me to be that way since my gods and goddesses were quick to anger and many were unforgiving. How could you dance in their presence? People did dance in front of deities while they took those idols for emersion, but most of those who dance tended to be out of themselves and under the influence of alcohol. But in the church I saw decently clad and well behaved people enjoying the worship songs and singing and dancing as if there was no one around.

Sermons were the highs of the services we attended. I had never heard so relevant topics of discussion in religious ceremonies. Pastors would talk from the pulpit everything from the Bible that was all so very relevant for my life. In my religion, the ceremonies were always so ritualistic and always appeared so very meaningless. I had attended marriages, birthday pujas, funerals and other ceremonies, but there was nothing ever spoken by the pandits that could ever explain why we did what we did. And there were always adjustments for everything – lack of any resources including time never was any impediment in any of the ceremonies as long as there were enough money and food for the pandits.

I began asking questions. That was when the struggle began between my religion and Supriya’s faith. And it was going to be long struggle. Unlike any other topic where I could seek advice, here I was all alone to seek answers for myself. I had been an accommodative believer of Hinduism which saw me add Buddha, Mahavir and even Jesus in the list of gods who were all paths to the same Almighty. But why was not then my religion able to explain vices in the world? And would Jesus be able to help me know the truth? Why was Christianity appealing to me when I had bowed to my Hindu gods all through my life and had been seeking their blessings which seemed to come my way several times?

I began my search. I was still fixed on my own philosophy of all roads leading to the same destination but was willing to explore Christianity. There were a thousand questions in my mind which began to get more and more knotted. I was not quite sure why I should chose between the two religions when I can live with the two together. And since then, I indeed worked on keeping faith in the both. At my desk I had a brass idol of Tirupaty and the Bible that Supriya had gifted.

Soon we had enough of Kuwait. The settlement there always looked very temporary and all efforts to find a comfortable job for Supriya went without success. She came close to getting a few marketing kind of jobs that she was keen to take but I wasn’t quite sure if the job content could keep her happy for long. So one fine day we decided to come back home. It was not an easy decision by any means. Her visa was close to expiry. So she had to come back. I had a prospect with a Greek glass company’s Nigerian operations, which I thought could be the last refuge if I failed to get a job in India within the next two months. But as earlier, the last refuge began to show as the only course I had for me. I had attended another interview with a large consulting firm, but they seem to have forgotten all about it or perhaps I hadn’t met their expectation. Supriya was praying for me to get this job and was quite certain that I would get it. The time to move to Nigeria was approaching. It was a good offer but the location in Nigeria made it a tough choice. I did not want to risk another foreign location with Supriya when we were not sure how things could shape up. So, we had decided that I would go alone in the beginning, see for myself if it was okay to continue and get Supriya there as well. But in the heart of hearts I was unwilling to take that plunge. Not the least because it meant a separation from my wife yet again.

Normally, I would not have done this but for the anxiety of going to a foreign land with reports of law and order issues, I called the person from the consulting firm who had interviewed me to check the status. He was apologetic that my application had slipped from his memory and that he stated that my appointment letter would be issued soon. I was so glad. So was Supriya. I agreed that her prayers had made the difference. I had no hopes at all and I had sent my original certificates to this glass company for getting my Nigerian visa done. It appeared like I was almost on board the flight when the confirmation from the consulting firm came in. The consulting firm offered just what my education had trained me for – a mix of mining and finance. I was supposed to anchor the firm’s initiatives in the mining sector consulting space.

Well, all wasn’t very well at the domestic front then. We had been staying with my mom-in-law all these days. Now that I had a job and Supriya had one herself, I was eager to have a home of my own where I could live the way I wanted to. This home was comfortable and cozy, with every thing that Mammu had accumulated. It was a two bedroom flat that four of us lived in, Mammu and Didi, Supriya’s elder sister and the two of us. It could have been okay to continue there, but the house never looked like I own which I had always desired. I wanted a couch in the drawing room, a set of bookshelves, a study table to work my ideas of writing a book and several other literary pieces, and a whole lot of other things that I could have my own way. I loved Mammu since she loved me so much and did everything and more than I could have ever imagined. She always cooked stuff that I wanted. She knew me like the back of her palm. In fact visitors always thought that she was my mother and Supriya was her daughter-in-law! I was coaxing Supriya to seek a new house for ourselves. I was surprised that like most women I had met, she never desired to have a home of her own. So, she never wanted to hasten the process of shifting out. And that led to a lot of tense times in our lives. We fought bitter battles. She thought that I had become cold in my relationship with Mammu and Didi while I thought that I was not being given my due. I deserved the right to be Supriya’s first priority and I would not settle for anything less. Of course, my own home was also very much on the top of my priority list.

Finally, Supriya agreed for a new home as we could locate a flat in the same building. We moved out but perhaps the bitterness remained. I was doubtful of what she expected from me. And as with many things else, I began suspecting her intent to take me to church every Sunday morning. I had hardened my soul then and wanted to avoid going to church as much as I could. I also began to insist that she come with me to temples. Sitting in the church on Sunday masses, I began to criticize everything that I saw and heard. I was not convinced of the merits of worship songs and the way people dance at these songs. I did bow down in prayers but had doubts over the powers of God when the science and logic indicated otherwise from what was being prayed for. I liked the sermons by Pastor Stubbs but discounted them just as good philosophies.

Then we moved to another church which was smaller and was closer by. That again by stroke of luck since on one Sunday we found the road to our earlier church clogged and we decided to go to this new one for a change. This new church had a congregation of less than fifty people and had two pastors who gave personalized attention to everyone. I was evasive due to the inner convoluted state of spirituality and logic, further compounded by Hinduism and Christianity.

Nonetheless, I had begun to hear the sermons quite seriously to cherry pick good stuff for my life. The definition of the good stuff was quite difficult but it soon began to engulf a lot of my doubts.

One day a pastor had come to the church from Australia. He preached that a lot of things that looked too complicated to us in the Biblical principles looked so because we tended to comprehend them from our own perspectives. It was quite clearly a case a bounded rationality. But since the Bible originated for God himself, who else but He himself could bless us with its comprehension, to a degree that He deemed fit for us. That sounded good to me. Yes, if I wrote a book, who else could know what I meant more than me. So, I agreed to put my trust in God, at least to experiment, if that could help me understand things better. I began to pray as well.

It was once when I had to travel to Mumbai for a client meet. I woke up early since my flight was around 7 am and got ready to leave. Supriya was still asleep when I left home. Even though I took a shower I was still sleepy when I took the taxi to airport. It was when I approached the airport that I realised that there were only a sum of Rupees seventy in my wallet. The airport was not very far off from my home, so I had enough to pay for my taxi fare but had almost no cash left in my pocket. The realisation also downed on me that my debit card had expired a few days ago and I was not carrying my cheque book with me, and hence, I had no way that I could withdraw money from my bank account. I stood at the airport and began to contemplate. It was silly not to have withdrawn money earlier. Now I could either go back home and tell my client that I was not able to make it to the meeting. Or I could board the flight with just Rupees fifteen in my pocket. A day in Mumbai, when I had to move around places with that sum of money, appeared impossible. I closed my eyes and prayed. I told God that I had landed in this mess and left myself on His mercy. I heard Him say that He would carry me through the day.

It was monsoon season and it was pouring in Mumbai. When I landed at airport, I took an auto-rickshaw to the nearest local train station. That consumed Rupees ten. With Rupees five left in my pocket I could buy one way ticket to the station closest to my client’s office. But that left me with an empty wallet. I landed on the station at the other end. It had been raining all the while but stopped when I stepped out of the station till the time I reached the client’s office. The meeting lasted for close to four hours. After the meeting my client, a state government owned utility offered lunch. So I had my lunch there. Then one of their executive directors offered to give me ride till his office which was closer by from the airport as he wanted to discuss some issues related to the engagement we were working on for his company. It was raining during the four-hour long meeting and our drive to his office. So, we reached his office and held brief discussion with him while I kept watching the downpour of water from his cabin’s window. When I came out of the meeting, it was still raining. His office was close to eight kilometers from the airport. I did not have money to hire any mode of transport. I could have sought my client’s help but that would have been embarrassing since every time I used to get my own office car for transport, so they would not expect me to seek such assistance. Even the railway station was far enough. I could not have reached even ten steps without getting fully drenched; such was the intensity of rain. With these thoughts I reached the ground floor of the building when the rain stopped. I stepped out and looked skyward. It was all full of dark clouds. But from the amazing clouds I was reminded of what I had heard in the morning. So, I began to walk. It had been years since I had walked a quarter of that distance. The roads were waterlogged at several places and filthy at most places. It was not so easy a walk. But I did walk those eight kilometers that day, thanking God for every step that I took while rain waited. It indeed waited for all the time I walked that distance, close to an hour and a half. And no sooner had I come under the shade of the airport, it began to pour again. When I reached home, I heard the news that most places in Mumbai were flooded that day and even the local trains had stopped plying due to tracks getting submerged in water. I knew that the God that I had put my trust in is amazing and Almighty God.

7. Final surrender and a look back

Miracles after miracles, I began to know my God’s magnanimity. My God loved me even though I always doubted Him. I began to understand the meaning of the sermons being preached from the church pulpits. The Bible became alive as my conversations with God. Prayers became a meaningful way to intercede with Him. I began to sense the patterns in my life. I realized how marvelous was my Creator who knew me from the time I was conceived and before, as also all my days now and coming.

Relationship between God and I was always that of a lover and His beloved. God loves me even though I am yet a sinner. He loves me so much that from His own ordained hellfire, He wanted to deliver me and hence, sacrificed His own son’s life as a substitute for me. Jesus came to comply with the covenant that God had established with man and for taking his sins upon His cross. He is love personified. Love that is so pure that it couldn’t resist giving life away for unfaithful and ungrateful man. Jesus laid the way for salvation, He became the way Himself.

But there is so much deception in the world. We are so very vulnerable to falling and gullible that ploys of the evil are obvious yet not discernable to us. We trust what we read in the newspapers, we trust what we watch on television and in movies, we trust what our political leaders tell us, we trust rumors, we trust unscientific hearsays, we trust superstitious rituals, we trust all these and more, but we never trust what the Bible has to offer. We have faith in our systems, we have faith in our physical powers, we have faith in our intellect and we have faith in our logic, even though they fail us time and again, but we do not want to have faith in God’s existence and His word. We are truly fallen.

I was like that. But now I know, my God is not one who would show signs to make people have faith in Him, but He will show Himself to one who has faith in Him. My God loves people and He has made provision for saving them through Jesus, but He chooses people to add into His kingdom-those who trust in Him. Salvation is free to those who believe in Him and the sacrifice of Jesus and claim the same.

I began to realize how God wanted me to lead my life so that it became a meaningful existence on the earth, how much ever short and momentary it could be. That changed the way I used to live. I realized the difference between happiness and fun. While I chased fun all my earlier life and had no happiness, now I have happiness and fun follows.

It changed my perspective on work. God has ordained humans to work. He instructed Adam to work in the Garden of Eden, which was His way of seeking Adam’s assistance in the work of creation that God did. God works Himself. He derives pleasure from His work. I knew that God wants me to work as well and work wholeheartedly. He has placed me where I am. In my workplace I do not work for my boss but for God who is my ultimate reporting partner. This comprehension made my work so much enjoyable.

It changed my perspective on marriage. God wanted me as a husband in marriage to be what Jesus is for the church. I am required to love my wife and sacrifice everything for her. That was so much in contrast to what I had always been – a demanding husband who wanted his rights to be met and unquestioned. My relationship with Supriya was self-centric. I used to think that I loved her so much but she did not give me my due, which used to make life tough. But now I know how much ever I love her and sacrifice for her is nothing compared to what I am required to do for her, just so I could be like Jesus and reflect God’s image.

It changed my perspective on my social life and friends. I restrained myself from judging others. My wagging tongue began to be convicted to errors made. I am not expected to be angry on my colleagues, I am not expected to criticize my elders and bosses, I am not expected to envy or be jealous, I have to know that God has created everyone in His own image and hence, I needed to treat everyone with dignity. I am expected to love everyone. I am expected to love people and use my money for their love, not the other way of using people for love of money. Just as I have vertical relationship of love with God, I am expected to have horizontal relationship of love with everyone whom I come across with. That signifies God’s cross. It made life so much simpler; I have no more complicated theories of human relationships. Pure love makes living a true happiness.

It changed my perspective on money. God says that no one can serve two masters. Most people choose money as their master, just as I had when I was in darkness. Now I know my provision does not come from money that I earn. When God provides, none can snatch from me. Unless God builds, I will not have my home. Unless God wills, I will not have my car. But when God wills and He thinks I can handle that wealth for His glory, He gives. And when He gives, it does not even take earning to get His blessings. So, money is irrelevant. God’s presence in my life made me abandon my chase of money. I am at any point of time just as God wants me to be. And He will provide for me all of my life.

With all these and more, I surrendered to God. No more doubts. I may still not understand His creation, I may still not be able to explain things to others, but I know there is my heavenly Father who has my name carved on His palm and who knows me inside out. He has plans to prosper me and never to harm me. I know that life begins at the cross and by faith.

Now when I look back, I realize that God was always with me all through my life. Whether His first introduction in the movie I saw or through His whisper in the church courtyard, He wanted me to know Him and His presence came along wherever I went. I realize how my marriage took place against all odds in the presence of God. I realize He showered His enduring mercies every day even when I did not know Him. He healed me trillions of times even when I was unfaithful and looked with hope to the dead wood carvings and metal sculptures. God never lost faith in me; He never gave up on me. It is due to His everlasting love that I have now been accepted in His family.

I took the baptism on India’s Independence Day, the 15th August 2008. And as God says, truth shall set you free, so I was set free in the truth of Jesus. I am now a born again Christian believer.

8. God is my Friend and my Saviour

Well, Christianity is not really a religion for me just as Hinduism was. Even if I wouldn’t go to temples, being born in a Hindu household was good enough to be called a Hindu. Being born in a Christian household does not make one a Christian. One may be called a Christian in this world, but a believer is one whom God has chosen to add in His kingdom, not because of one’s merits but because of faith. It is entirely God’s grace defined as un-merited favor that sees us turn from sinners to believers. Jesus has laid His life for everyone, but only those who choose to have faith in Him are His true followers that are blessed by His salvation.

Now, my days are secured and my life is happy. I know that God has blessed me abundantly and He will continue to do so. His mercies endure for ever and His grace has been made freely available for all who seek Him through Jesus Christ. His love is amazing love. He is my friend and my father even though He is the king, and I love Him more than anything else. He is the thread that binds my wife and my family together. He is the one who leads me in my professional life. He is the one who protects me on the roads and goes along with me through my thick and thin. I sense His presence all through the day and get guided by Him in my conduct, speech, and actions. His presence makes me repent every time I fall and He reaches out to me to pull me out of the pits. He talks to me when I am all alone and drives away my fear. I keep humming the song ‘Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so’ all the day and know He will deliver me and preserve my soul. What an assurance!

Being born again helped me rise like an eagle with Jesus and the earthly life has begun to look light and momentary, which are true perspectives from the heaven above. As the Bible describes it, believers are subjects of a royal kingdom and Jesus’ royalty is bestowed on those who trust in Him.

To sum up, I quote the verses of a song titled ‘At the cross’:

At the cross, at the cross,

Where I first saw the light,

And the burden of my heart rolled away

It was there by faith I received my sight,

And now I am happy all the day!

Praise God.