Two States of My Marriage
On the way, I read the entire novel. Two States by Chetan Bhagat came close to Supriya and my life. It kept pushing me into history, the days that I lived through my marriage, again and again. While there were striking similarities with the story of the book, differences were unique. In his writing, Chetan Bhagat mentioned that only worse that the couple in the novel could have been, would have been if they belonged to different religions. And that was precisely the basket in which Supriya and I fell.
It was interesting to realize that couples plan the same routine way to lure their parents. Publishing a guidebook with appropriate checklist can be a good idea. In our case, we had tough luck. We planned my familiarization to Supriya’s family in a stepped manner, first with Didi and then with Mom, which worked to a great extent. Even though they thought of me only as a good boy and just a helpful friend of Supriya till the very day when she spoke to them in certain terms, I could still consider the plan a success since there was not a very stiff opposition to our marriage. But we failed in managing my parents. I tried and called them to Hyderabad but they couldn’t meet Supriya. Once my father came very close to meeting her but then he excused himself in the end and rushed home. We were very upset when Supriya arrived in Hyderabad the next day taking a flight from Calicut through Kuwait.
I went home once just to convince my parents. Memories still remain vivid, there was tension all around. It was tough communicating with the same people whom I was so very close to. They had brought me up well and loved me all my life. They had provided for me everything that I ever wanted, sacrificing their own comforts and suppressing their desires. That was the very reason why I dared to fall in love. I had believed that my parents would fight the whole world to see me happy, they would agree with my choice if that brought delight to my heart. But a girl from another religion and another region of the country in my life shattered all those assumptions. The other frustrating aspect of the argument was how their neighbourhood and society around would view this marriage and my so-called fall. My ideas of a liberal world in my hometown, where I had hardly spent a quarter of my life till then and was not expecting to clock any substantial amount any further for lack of opportunities, came crumbling down. I also kept wondering if my parents were trying to wrap their own rejection into that of the society. I always believed that if they stood with me, nobody else had any right to object. But I had hit a wall.
I wrote a ten-page letter to my brother and sister and my cousins, seeking their help. Most of them were of my age bracket and were very close to me. They were all university educated and hence, I assumed that they would help me convince my parents. I also thought that my revolutionary ideas might not have cut any ice but given the support of my brothers and sisters, it would be easier for my parents to come around. But all that was my naivety. Studying in the most modern institutes of world is one thing and allowing the liberal principles to take home is quite another. Needless to say that the act added insult to injury for my parents as they were hoping that the matter would be closed before them and none else in the family would ever know about my misadventure.
Only exception in this episode was my younger brother, who travelled to Hyderabad during his final year of engineering and met Supriya. He got along with her well. But as young he was, his voice did not hold much weight. But his willingness to lend support and argue for me won my heart. He was young and immature, possibly dragged unnecessarily into this controversy, but was full of love for my parents and us. He wanted peace to prevail in the family and was willing to make a compromise, which the warring parties were not. I had made commitment to Supriya and a compromise from me would have meant nothing less than living a life of regret. In the worst case scenario, for my parents, it might have meant a few unpleasant comments from the neighbours and relatives for some time. But looking at the history, those neighbours and relatives would not refrain from demeaning us any which way as they were created for that purpose. They had done that in past and would do so as long as they lived.
I was fast depleting my patience. I could hold on even if there seemed a ray of hope, there simply wasn’t any. My job was also turning into a nightmare as the outsourcing unit had begun to show its true colours. I tried desperately to maintain my balance but it was getting increasingly difficult. It was then that I landed myself a job in Kuwait, which seemed like a respite. I thought that i would go away from this world, never to return. This job appeared to provide the same safety valve.
Just like in the book, it was tough again for us to decide to get married without both parents agreeing and physically present in the wedding. Supriya too had dreams of a wedding photograph with the large family around us, draped in their best attires and smiling. I had my dreams of a perfect wedding too. And for sure, my parents had one such as well. The picture of the dream weddings, however, was not converging, something somewhere was amiss. I realized that I couldn’t go away to Kuwait with my marriage in a limbo. I could not have managed to get the consent of my parents when I was far away, when the same couldn’t be managed living in India for the last two years. I gave up on my parents. They hadn’t given up on me yet, even when I told them the date and the venue of our marriage on phone.
I wish like the parents of Krish and Ananya in the book, my gang would have come together and blessed us. While reading those lines of Ananya’s father in the end, I wished I had lived those moments. While challenges remained, I wish my father and mother would have embraced my wife and hugged me tight. A few tear-drops from all would have made those challenges vanish!
It was interesting to realize that couples plan the same routine way to lure their parents. Publishing a guidebook with appropriate checklist can be a good idea. In our case, we had tough luck. We planned my familiarization to Supriya’s family in a stepped manner, first with Didi and then with Mom, which worked to a great extent. Even though they thought of me only as a good boy and just a helpful friend of Supriya till the very day when she spoke to them in certain terms, I could still consider the plan a success since there was not a very stiff opposition to our marriage. But we failed in managing my parents. I tried and called them to Hyderabad but they couldn’t meet Supriya. Once my father came very close to meeting her but then he excused himself in the end and rushed home. We were very upset when Supriya arrived in Hyderabad the next day taking a flight from Calicut through Kuwait.
I went home once just to convince my parents. Memories still remain vivid, there was tension all around. It was tough communicating with the same people whom I was so very close to. They had brought me up well and loved me all my life. They had provided for me everything that I ever wanted, sacrificing their own comforts and suppressing their desires. That was the very reason why I dared to fall in love. I had believed that my parents would fight the whole world to see me happy, they would agree with my choice if that brought delight to my heart. But a girl from another religion and another region of the country in my life shattered all those assumptions. The other frustrating aspect of the argument was how their neighbourhood and society around would view this marriage and my so-called fall. My ideas of a liberal world in my hometown, where I had hardly spent a quarter of my life till then and was not expecting to clock any substantial amount any further for lack of opportunities, came crumbling down. I also kept wondering if my parents were trying to wrap their own rejection into that of the society. I always believed that if they stood with me, nobody else had any right to object. But I had hit a wall.
I wrote a ten-page letter to my brother and sister and my cousins, seeking their help. Most of them were of my age bracket and were very close to me. They were all university educated and hence, I assumed that they would help me convince my parents. I also thought that my revolutionary ideas might not have cut any ice but given the support of my brothers and sisters, it would be easier for my parents to come around. But all that was my naivety. Studying in the most modern institutes of world is one thing and allowing the liberal principles to take home is quite another. Needless to say that the act added insult to injury for my parents as they were hoping that the matter would be closed before them and none else in the family would ever know about my misadventure.
Only exception in this episode was my younger brother, who travelled to Hyderabad during his final year of engineering and met Supriya. He got along with her well. But as young he was, his voice did not hold much weight. But his willingness to lend support and argue for me won my heart. He was young and immature, possibly dragged unnecessarily into this controversy, but was full of love for my parents and us. He wanted peace to prevail in the family and was willing to make a compromise, which the warring parties were not. I had made commitment to Supriya and a compromise from me would have meant nothing less than living a life of regret. In the worst case scenario, for my parents, it might have meant a few unpleasant comments from the neighbours and relatives for some time. But looking at the history, those neighbours and relatives would not refrain from demeaning us any which way as they were created for that purpose. They had done that in past and would do so as long as they lived.
I was fast depleting my patience. I could hold on even if there seemed a ray of hope, there simply wasn’t any. My job was also turning into a nightmare as the outsourcing unit had begun to show its true colours. I tried desperately to maintain my balance but it was getting increasingly difficult. It was then that I landed myself a job in Kuwait, which seemed like a respite. I thought that i would go away from this world, never to return. This job appeared to provide the same safety valve.
Just like in the book, it was tough again for us to decide to get married without both parents agreeing and physically present in the wedding. Supriya too had dreams of a wedding photograph with the large family around us, draped in their best attires and smiling. I had my dreams of a perfect wedding too. And for sure, my parents had one such as well. The picture of the dream weddings, however, was not converging, something somewhere was amiss. I realized that I couldn’t go away to Kuwait with my marriage in a limbo. I could not have managed to get the consent of my parents when I was far away, when the same couldn’t be managed living in India for the last two years. I gave up on my parents. They hadn’t given up on me yet, even when I told them the date and the venue of our marriage on phone.
I wish like the parents of Krish and Ananya in the book, my gang would have come together and blessed us. While reading those lines of Ananya’s father in the end, I wished I had lived those moments. While challenges remained, I wish my father and mother would have embraced my wife and hugged me tight. A few tear-drops from all would have made those challenges vanish!
*
(The picture is from the Couples' Camp organized by our Church, which we went to almost four years after our marriage. Supriya was carrying Bam of close to 8 months.)
posted by Dipesh Dipu @ 4:46 AM
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